Is your mother-daughter relationship strained? Here’s how to move forward
When a relationship moves from a parent-child bond to an adult-adult bond, things can start to get a little shaky, especially as far as mothers and daughters are concerned.
“Society has long taught that mother-daughter relationships should be beautiful and very intimate, although they rarely do,” he says. Fiona Yashin is a family psychotherapist, wave clinic.
When a relationship breaks down, it can come as a great ‘shock’ to the therapist, and can be accompanied by a great sense of shame and blame.
and people often I want to blame it on female hormones and personality differences For such cracks, this is not the case at all for a therapist who specializes in this area.
What causes mothers and their adult children to be torn apart?
Research at Ohio State University Of the over 1,000 mothers who are estranged from their adult children, 52% are estranged from their daughters, 45% are estranged from their sons, and more than half have not been in touch for over a year.
The most common reason mothers became estranged (cited by 79%) was family members who antagonized their children. In most cases, they blamed the child’s biological father or the child’s spouse or partner.
Nearly two-thirds (62%) of mothers say their child’s mental health (anxiety, depression, addiction, alcoholism, etc.) affects them. Just over a third say their rifts have been caused by conflicting values. For example, disagreeing with politics or parenting.
But on the other side of the coin, the estranged children said their rift stemmed largely from emotional abuse, conflicting role expectations, and personality clashes.
Some of these different perspectives may have arisen due to changes and changes in broader society. Professor Sarah Shoppe SullivanThe study’s lead author noted that there are generational differences in what parents and children see as appropriate parenting behavior.
“Perceptions of what is considered abusive, harmful, negligent, or traumatic behavior have changed over the past 30 years,” she said. Today it could be seen as abuse or neglect.”
“How can mothers and daughters listen to each other if the voices of women cannot be heard in the family?”
– Dr. Rosjke Hasseldine, Therapist
therapist Dr. Rosjke Hasseldin, I have studied mother-daughter dynamics for over 20 years. previously told The Huffington Post UK She believes that society sets these relationships up to fail by expecting women to shut themselves up and put their own needs on the back burner.
“If you think about it, how can a mother and daughter hear each other if the voices of women are not heard in the family?” suggests that there is
The same pattern can occur when it comes to emotional support. “If women grow up in families where they are expected to support everyone else but do not claim the support they need, here too mothers and daughters are in a power struggle.
“Who gets support in this relationship? Both mothers and daughters deserve support.”
For example, if a mother is jealous of her daughter’s career, success, opportunities, or freedom.
“She’s ashamed to keep quiet about it,” Dr. Hasseldine said. “And what happens between her mother and daughter is that she becomes what I call an ‘unpleasant mirror.
“Mothers know what they can’t do and what they can’t do. It could be a career or education issue, but it can also be an issue if the mother doesn’t have a loving partner.” there is.”
Yassin suggests that society’s unrealistic expectations of mothers and intergenerational trauma can affect mother-daughter relationships.
Of the latter, she says that if this trauma-inflicting ordeal is not effectively dealt with, the trauma can “spread” across generations.
Addressing mothers in particular, she says the best thing to do is to “overcome trials until it’s no longer a burden for you.”
This is important. Because if you don’t deal with it and replicate it, it can show up in your relationships, including with your children.
How can you heal when your relationship is feeling strained?
According to Dr. Hasseldine, an increasing number of women in their 20s, 30s and 40s are seeking therapy to improve mother-daughter relationships.
However, not all relationships can be fixed, they can be difficult to deal with and can involve great emotions such as grief and loss on both sides.
If you want to try reconciliation, Yassin shares some helpful tips on how and where to start.
1. Communicate from a caring place
Ensuring communication takes place from a calmer place makes it easier to get through the more difficult points, say therapists. .
“Discuss what you appreciate about each other in this relationship and what you want to keep. Asking questions from where you grew up can be a great way to get to know each other on different levels,” she says. says.
2. Actively listen and avoid jumping in
We often tolerate interruptions within our families, but it is very important that both mother and daughter feel free to share.
“The goal is to see yourself as an ally rather than an enemy,” says Yassin. “One way to achieve this is to introduce a prop like a wooden spoon into the conversation and speak only when you have it.
This way, you can listen to each other without feeling like you’re fighting each other.
3. Let go of traditions that are holding back your relationship
Traditions are a great way to foster connection and togetherness within a family. But it’s important to recognize that they can actually get in the way.
If you feel that traditions have grown too big or become a burden, it may be time to put them aside and change things.
That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you or your family, says Yassin.
She likes to take her time putting on her own oxygen mask first before helping others.
4. Think of the other person as a person, not just a mother or daughter.
One thing we can do to repair our relationship, therapists suggest, is to see the other person as a complete human being.
She advises her daughters to be curious about their mother’s life experiences. Ask questions like: What was it like being a mom and not having the career you wanted? What was it like being a single parent? What was it like raising a child without your mother helping you?
And if you’re a mother, be curious about your daughter’s experiences outside the bubble you were once in, she adds.
5. If you’re a mom, let your daughter teach you
Naturally, the mother feels that it is her role to teach and the daughter that it is her role to learn. However, as we age, these roles change and can be difficult to adapt to.
“Understanding that your daughter could be one of your best teachers helps ease the relationship by stopping it from always being top-down,” says Yassin.
6. Realize that your daughter’s experience is different from your own
When we are in a very intimate relationship, we sometimes expect the other person to feel the same way, but this rarely happens.
“It’s really hard to hear that your daughter has negative feelings about you and your parenting,” Yashin says.
She recommends a technique called “mentalizing.” This helps us understand that other people’s experiences are separate from our own.
7. Set boundaries
It is very important to review the mother-daughter relationship as it progresses over the years and set boundaries as needed.
“Boundaries aren’t rules. Instead, they’re little bridges for yourself that you can decide to strengthen when you need to to avoid being overwhelmed,” the therapist adds.
8. Go to therapy together
If you’re struggling to reconcile and feel like you need more support, it’s worth considering seeking professional help, such as family therapy.
