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I love my girlfriend but would rather have sex with another woman

Dear Jane,

I have a girlfriend on and off for a little over two years. I love her immensely and she is beautiful. We get along well and have a really great relationship, but the spark is lacking – I think – and I rarely have sex.

That’s the only thing I want to fix and we’ve been working on it. Whenever I try to talk to her about something, she seems to take it as a personal attack on her, but it’s not. I’m just trying to tell her.

Unfortunately I’m not exactly sure what I want. I think part of the sexual energy is the charm of not knowing what’s going to happen.

She grew up in a very conservative home and never slept with many people. I believe I have more experience and maybe I like my lover’s “experience” more.

Dear Jane, I am torn between two women. I have great sexual chemistry with one, but get along well with the other.I wish I could combine both

I met someone else when we broke up for a few months. We had good sexual chemistry and generally speaking it worked out well, but not as much as my current girlfriend.

I recently got promoted and have to move out of state. My girlfriend changed her mind and decided not to go with me because we weren’t married. I’d be happy to propose, but I can’t do it without finding our sexual compatibility.

On the other hand, the “ex” has reached out and wants to try again, and I’m open minded about it.

In a perfect world, it would be perfect if I could combine two women. I think it’s a good problem and I’m very lucky, but it’s torture because she doesn’t want to lose her, but you can’t have her all to yourself without having sex with her.

International best-selling author offers sage advice on's readers' hottest issues in her weekly Dear Jane's Suffering Aunt Column

International best-selling author offers sage advice on’s readers’ hottest issues in her weekly Dear Jane’s Suffering Aunt Column

Do you have any advice for me? Any thoughts?

Seeking the best of both worlds from

dear wanting the best of both worlds,

You can’t have it, I’m afraid.

I don’t believe that great sex is an absolute prerequisite for marriage, but we both need to be on the same page, especially in the beginning. But knowing that you have different wants and needs while still dating and that you are unhappy because you rarely have sex is a terrible foundation for marriage.

I don’t think either of these women are right for you. Take some time to think about why you feel the need to commit at this particular time.

There are many things going on, such as changing jobs or moving to another state, and this is a place that requires focus and energy.

I would also be very wary of ultimatums of any kind. The fact that your girlfriend won’t move on with you unless you propose seems like the worst ultimatum. You must have found a partner who sees you on a level that is important to you. One of them is obviously sex.

Believe me what I’m trying to say, whether your girlfriend has a low libido or yours has a high libido. It never changes.

As for the ex, she should stay the same. That’s what great sex with the wrong person is all about. It’s great sex with the wrong person. And the wrong person never miraculously becomes the right wife.

Enjoy being single and explore exactly what you like when it comes to sex. Get used to it and get used to sharing those needs and desires with the person you’re having sex with.

I put all serious relationships on the back burner, at least until you’ve calmed down, and honestly, until you’ve sown a little more oats and are more comfortable with who you are in the bedroom.

Dear Jane,

I think my husband is an alcoholic. We’ve been married for 4 years and he’s always drinking with us…we love going out for cocktails once in a while and relaxing with a bottle of wine or a martini in the evening. However, recently he has been drinking more than twice as much as half a year ago.

I’ve always been used to him controlling his nights out, but in the last few months he’s gotten sloppy and frankly a little embarrassed. , I often come home after a day at the office and my husband has already finished a bottle of wine.

I don’t want mountains to be us or mole hills but I’m really starting to get worried. Even now I’m afraid I sound completely crazy and hysterical…could you help mosquito?

From, Shaken Up and Stirred

dear shaken and stirred,

First, 9 out of 10 adults who drink too much alcohol are not alcoholics, according to a new study published by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in collaboration with the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Agency (SAMHSA).

In fact, the only person who can really tell if someone is an alcoholic is someone who drinks too much.

dear jane sunday service

What a difficult lesson to learn that no matter how hard you try, you cannot control others.

We are all human, prone to mistakes, and despite doing the best we can, we are often unaware of the many ways we can hurt our loved ones. It’s not on purpose, it’s because of your own injury and because you can’t help yourself. Because we hold on to something else, or simply don’t know much more than that.

We always have options for those who are hurt. It’s not about leaving or staying, it’s about learning how to take care of yourself no matter what craziness is going on around us.

I am a big proponent of the wisdom found in the 12-step program. And a big proponent of taking care of yourself first.

And part of the problem with people we love doing too much that’s not good for them is less how they behave than how it affects us, the people we want them to stop. The fact that you are writing, the fact that you are worried, the fact that you are crazy and hysterical suggest to me that intervention is necessary. doing.

Of course it’s right to be calm when he’s not drinking and bring it up with him first. We’d like to think they quit, but that’s not the case with addicts and alcoholics.

If they could stop, they would, but they are controlled by something they have no power over. , get hurt and believe that if you just stop drinking, everything will be fine.

This sounds counterintuitive, but the best advice I can give you is to focus less on his drinking and more on your own happiness by attending the Al-Anon Conference.

Al-Anon is ostensibly for friends and family of alcoholics, but in reality it is for those who overly influence the behavior of others.

This room is for people who have learned to live and live, who recognize that they are powerless over people, places, and things, and that the only thing they can control is themselves. It’s full. One of the hardest lessons is recognizing that each of us has our own path and it doesn’t matter how much we indulge, plead, threaten or shout. If he is an alcoholic, he cannot stop drinking on his own.

Also, he’s unlikely to join a 12-step program until he’s ready, which sadly often happens when things hit rock bottom.

You probably already know that monitoring his drinking, counting wine bottles in the trash, and feeling his whole body tense as he becomes more and more slovenly isn’t the way to live, no matter how long the marriage ends. Al-Anon offers not only support and tremendous wisdom, but tools and traditions that allow him to find peace whether he continues to drink or not.

I send you a big hug.

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